Transphobia, Clothes, Gender, Media, and the Rest of It

A friend asked a question on my wall on FB, and I confess, I was pretty enamored of my answer. So much so that I am reposting it here, with some edits and a lot of additions. What can I say--not humble in this case, but very committed! Your comments extremely invited.

Josh asked: "OK, I admit it. I can be dense sometimes. But I have friends who are less so. Can you explain to me how this ad was offensive to the transgendered? I mean, its clearly a parody of the T-Mobile ad, and its a picture of a guy in a dress, not a picture of a woman who used to be a man or vice versa. I just don't get it. Help?"

He's referring to this link:

http://mobilized.allthingsd.com/20110510/sprint-funded-ad-pulled-after-complaints-from-transgender-community/?mod=ATD_rss

My edited and added-to reply:

OK, so let me take a brief crack at this...I think it's important to recognize that "transgender" is not just the new word for "transsexual"--i.e. I used to be a man, now I'm a woman, or vice versa. The category of people who identify as "transgender" (or "trans" for short), includes people who now present with a different gender identity than that assigned at birth (whether they have had surgery and/or take hormones or not), as well as people who identify as somewhere on the gender spectrum besides the binary choices of male and female, and off that spectrum entirely--some of whom identify with the label "genderqueer".

In short, the category of people who identify as "transgender" stand collectively as a testament to the idea that there is not an inevitable linkage (only a cultural one, and often an oppressive one at that) between one's biological characteristics (outer or inner) and all the things we think of as going along with boy and girl, man and woman. What that means in this context is that riffing off the idea of "how funny is it for a man to be wearing a dress!" reflects a worldview in which it is laughable and mockable for people to dress how they want to dress and not the way that the societal gender police think they should dress. This is an attitude that has gotten people beaten and killed (the Stonewall Riots emerged in a context in which it was illegal in NYC for a person to go out in public wearing less than 3 obvious garments associated with their biological sex. Seriously.) and so transgender people and their allies are understandably sensitive about it.

No, I don't think this is the most egregous examples of transphobia in the world, but one of my core standard check thought questions is: Your own child is trans. You want them to feel safe in the world. Does this make it harder for them to feel that way? I think the answer is pretty clear. In fact, I'll go a step further: It doesn't make me feel safe for my kids who I have no reason to think are trans, to have them grow up in a world where people think it is just so ha-ha funny for a man to wear a dress.

There are some very real ways in which men suffer more than woman from sexism, and one is the incredible constraints on boys and men from early on in how they are supposed to act and what they can wear, which they deviate from at their peril. E, my 8-year-old daughter, can wear 95-plus% of the same clothes that her brother wears without anyone batting an eye--at most, people would think of her as sporty or a tomboy, like many girls they know. But if M, her twin brother, were to want to wear a pretty dress sometimes besides dress up? He would not only be the instant victim of homophobia and transphobia--if he did so, especially as a teenager or adult male, he could, literally, get himself killed.

It's not that I find it surprising that people would find it strange for a man to wear a dress. I get that's where a lot of people are. And I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit that it doesn't always make me comfortable. But that, frankly, and clearly, is my problem.

Ganbatte kudasai

Today I was driving behind a tow truck pulling a disabled car. I was reminded of my own recent car body trouble, and the feelings of empathy it aroused in me.

After months of trying to pull in my Toyota Sienna as far as possible to make it easier for our neighbors to get their own car out, and ramming the undercarriage of the car against and on top of an increasingly icy snowbank in the process, our minivan ended up suffering some damage--specifically, the part that protects the various mechanisms under the front-most part of the car, right behind the bumper, started hanging down and rubbing against the tires in a way that produced an (increasingly) awful noise. It's such a pain to leave my car for repairs that I was avoiding it, but finally I stopped at my wonderful local mechanic (George of Newton Centre Gulf on Beacon St.) to have him just do something in the interim, and he used this industrial grade twist-tie which I also can't remember the term for (but which I know are sold in a pack at Home Depot and I should get some, because damn, they are so useful) to attach the piece (back) the bumper. For now, it's holding just fine.

But in the weeks when I was driving around with it Like That, including the excruciating sound on and off, of course dozens of people a day would turn their head, look at my car, wince, etc. and some would helpfully try to get my attention and tell me or gesture to me that There Is Something Wrong with the Front of Your Car (yes, thank you, like you I hear the scraping sound, I am aware of it). One man pulled up next to me at a red light and started *screaming* and swearing at me that I was a safety menace driving around like that b/c it was my brakes hanging down (uh, no) and who did I think I was driving around like that endangering other people (uh, also no) and that he was calling the police right then. Lovely.

The whole experience made me wish that we had a gesture or expression in our culture that we could use when it's obvious somebody is struggling with something, or is dealing with something that attracts unwanted attention, that would convey a sense of "oy, good luck with that, sorry you're having to deal with it or having a hard time with it", rather than ignoring the person or making them feel more self-conscious than they already do. There are really just endless examples--both trivial and profound--of when this would be both relevant and kind: A person struggling to walk due to an injury or physical disability. Someone with a big stain where they spilled something and don't have alternative clothes at the ready. A person with temporary or permanent facial paralysis (hello, my fellow/sister alumni/ae of the Bell's Palsy club! Today's ironic note: its two-word name begins with the two consonants it is hardest for sufferers from Bell's Palsy to say.). A transgender person still working on their look and gender presentation. A marathon runner who is taking the last few miles verrrrrry slowly, and just hopes to finish. Someone who is in the midst of dealing with something publicly embarrassing.

Japanese culture and language has such an expression: Ganbatte kudasai. As I understand it, it means, among other things: Keep up the good work. Give it your best. Good luck. Hang in there.

I think one of the kindest things we can do for our fellow human beings, whether we say something, give them a compassionate yet not patronizing look, or not, is to hold them with a wish of ganbatte kudasai. Somehow I doubt that it was Plato who said this, although the words are widely attributed to him on magnets and websites around the world, but I just love this quote: "Be kind, for each person you meet is fighting a great battle". How wonderful it would be if we could hold each other--at least some of the time--in that light.

The Ultimate Fighting Soup

Did you ever eat something that just made you so so happy?

Well, last night The Husband and the twins took me to Minado for Mother's Day. I really love the place. (See if you've got one near you if you like sushi, or Asian food. Lots of treif for people who don't keep kosher, and enough vegetarian for those who do but "eat out".) Especially at night (when the selection is greater), yummy sushi and lots of other stuff too. M and E love the jello and soft-serve machines. The food was delish and we were all happy.

So, that's eating out happy food. At home? Prepared easily? Pull the last of my homemade chicken soup out of the fridge. Crumble up a cooked breast from making the soup. Throw in some chopped cilantro and a bit of hot sauce. Heat up on the stovetop (the microwave is making a weird noise. How do you tell if it's broken? Is it worth having an above-stove microwave repaired or do you just replace it?). Throw in a bunch of tortilla chips. Add salt to taste, but keep it around in case you need more.

Heaven, people. Heaven.

One of the things I'm trying to work on is having food around that I love, that's easy to prepare or grab. It's tricky shopping and cooking for this family (and let's be clear, The Husband does a lot of cooking, though less than he used to, and weekdays, dinner is pretty much thrown together, not like my friends with their menu planning and what-not who intimidate the hell out of me with what I know is a basic level of organization for some people)--The Husband is either the world's most flexible picky eater or the pickiest omnivore ever (he loves food, lots of different types of food, but also has many individual ingredients he doesn't like, and since he's the only adult-type eater in the household at the moment, there is no point making anything with avocados, mushrooms, olives, for starters) and also tends towards 50s-style recipes himself; A is a vegetarian and otherwise eats a narrow range of foods; E eats a bit more than her, and M is more adventurous, but it's usually for individual things, not as often for soups and casseroles and stews, etc.

So, shopping and cooking is complicated. What will everyone eat? Grilled cheese in various forms. And pasta.

This year, I did my best to shepherd the Emptying of the Shelves and the Reduction of the Larder before Passover. As we restock, I want to concentrate on having things we need and will use, not random things that theoretically look good (because that's how I ended up with a bazillion bottles of marinade). And especially on having things around that I enjoy, that are healthy, and delicious. Things I can snack on, and ingredients that make me happy.

Number 1: cilantro. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

(But since cilantro isn't exactly a grab-it snack, also clementines to keep chilled, good smelly cheeses, linguine, and red delicious apples.)

What are your "must haves"?

Reviving the Blog: 100 Days

So. This blog was called 100 Weeks--for the length of time between starting it and my 50th birthday. I didn't keep it up, and then I abandoned it.

And now, it's 100 days. Or, 100 Days.

I'm going to try to post every day. (There. I put it out there.) I don't know if it's going to work or not. I'm in the midst of a job search, which doesn't seem like the best time to start getting all personal in public again. But who's to say that Hillel wasn't in the middle of a job search when he said, "If not now, when?"

Week 11

Last week was about:

11. Realize what's getting in the way, where you're stuck, etc. with respect to solving a small problem or working on a big project. Because addressing those obstacles can leverage a LOT of progress--and forgetting to look for them can blind you to possibilities, and leave undone or unsuccessful work very much stuck.

On a big decluttering tear, of life- and home-changing proportions, I've (re)realized that company and accompaniment--both physical and psychological presence--are huge helps in working on the things that feel overwhelming. Just the realistic thought of getting help has given me energy for the things that are more in reach, b/c it doesn't feel as much like "there's just too much, it will never get done".

And, I've moved to actually get some flesh and blood companionship in the clutter war between good (spaciousness, having only what you find to be beautiful or know to be useful--thanks William Morris!) and evil (the endless encroachment of toomuchness): First, on an online parenting forum I frequent, I joined a "let's declutter in November, set goals for the month, and report weekly on how we're doing" thread that spontaneously arose in the last 24 hours. Second, I just sent a contemplated-over-several-days email invitatation of sorts to a dozen girlfriends who I believe to be the kind of people whose good company, kindness, and smarts will be constructive for me--whether it's just for parallel play or also for hands on help.

Is the company of good people low-hanging fruit? Well, no. And yes. No, it's not just a little thing--it's a big thing. In the some ways, the biggest thing--our relationships with each other. And it's often hard to ask others for help, or to know who to ask. But yes--often, the people in our lives want to help us, and have the ability to do it--that help is right there for the asking. You know the feeling when a friend asks you to give her kid a ride somewhere and you're, like, "Sure, no problem!" and she says, "This is a total lifesaver, thank you", and you hear the relief in her voice, and you realize with pleasure how sometimes a thing that is small for you makes a big difference for someone else? Sometimes it goes the other way. Sometimes, the help you need is something that someone who you are connected to can provide, and is happy to. 

Especially when the help is that very connection.

So, thanks in advance to the dozen of you. And while I'm on the topic, let me raise a glass to the wonderful womenfriends who, nearly 7 years ago, each spent a couple of hours with me on one of the Wednesday nights in the first few months of the twins' lives, when Ben was gone for a couple of hours each night and I was alone with two infants--and who said, "When can I have a chance to come back?"

One of them was my dear brilliant friend Elizabeth Mark z"l. Her husband Mel died this past week. The end of an era, of the marital team of the erstwhile college student then named Betty Wyner and the handsome grad student who fixed his eye on her.

May we all be blessed with good, good companionship--in love, and in life at large.

Week 10

I've got chicken soup in the fridge for Shabbat, boneless breasts defrosting in the fridge.

I made lunches for the twins for tomorrow.

The dishwasher is running, and the counter is clear.

I don't know how long this will last, but I'm enjoying the ride.

Oh--and, there's a plastic bag hanging from the armrests in the front seat of the mini-van.

Weeks, uh, 6-9?

So, it's been a while...

Lots of big things have been getting in the way of focusing on the little things. That sounds like the opposite of the usual problem--kind of like, "For want of the kingdom the nail was lost..." But the truth is that there are times in life when the personal change engine needs to take a rest, when self-improvement has to ride in the backseat b/c Jewish holidays-a-gogo, big work and family demands, and the like are taking turns driving the car.

There, there, low-hanging fruits. You'll have your chance.

From last time:

10.  Trash bag always hanging from the arms of the two front seats: it's there. It works. Haven't been so good about keeping the spare bags around, so right now it's full and hasn't been taken in in a while. There's been some overflow onto the floor. Plus, 4-hour-each-way car trip this weekend with the twinlets. 'Nuff said. The Husband and I are going to clean out the car in a few minutes.

Jon the Boss has started using this format for meetings with his direct reports: a. What have you been working on? b. Where are you stuck? c. How can I help? The whole diagnosing-where-you're-stuck thing is truly a sine qua non of any kind of change, small or large. What's getting in the way? What obstacles--familiar, or unexpected--are you encountering?

It's too easy to go from point A (problem!) to point C (frustration with persistence of problem) without stopping at B (what's contributing to problem?)--which can often let you bypass C entirely and divert you to D  (Oh! Get the bags from the "way back" already and keep them up front at all times! You know that bin under the passenger seat? etc.).

I don't know about you, but I suspect I'm not the only one who jumps right to getting mad at yourself, frustrated at the universe, annoyed with family members...beating up on yourself, or (even in your head) somebody else. Fruit of the Week: when feeling annoyed about something in my world that I presumably have some control over but am completely frustrated with, depressed about, etc., let those feelings serve as a reminder to say: "OK. Back-up. What's getting in the way of you solving this?" And, if I've got some energy left in that particular session d'introspection, "What/who do you need to marshall to solve it?"

Because sometimes, sure, it will be professional help, a day off, or a family meeting that will be needed to make real progress on a given challenge. But sometimes, it will be something as simple as: Oh. Yeah. The plastic bags. Move 'em to the front. Done.

Week 5--Out of the Mouths of Babes

First of all, re: last week's post--rookie mistake: Capitalizing on momentum is a good thing in a given moment, but returning each room each day to the way the cleaner's left it? Uh, something good to aspire to, but anything that makes me say, "Not going to be easy" is not low-hanging fruit. However, I'm going to keep in mind momentum as a general operating principle--e.g. before ending a particular task or kind of activity, or leaving a room, think whether there is one additional thing I could do before ending.

Ditto on the "have the right food around to whip up a several-course meal without actual cooking on a moment's notice b/c your last minute guests are allergic to a key ingredient in the simple main dish you were going to serve your family".  But when shopping for Shabbat or a holiday, buying a few extra things to round out a meal just in case? Within reach.

Ok, so here's some real low-hanging fruit. I tend towards messy car. Actually, "messy" is on a good day; our family does an unfortunate amount of car eating, and the food detritus is not pretty. One of the sweet kids in our carpool said to me--yes, I'm taking decluttering advice from 10-year-olds; no, not humiliating at all, why do you ask?--"You know what my mom does? She hangs a plastic bag from the arms between the front seats." At the time, I was thinking, "Uh, thanks hon, having a bag for garbage, which I already do"--OK, not all the time--"is not exactly revolutionary advice...you must think I'm really impaired..."

But after Dr. Husband packed up a a bunch of plastic bags into one, I took it out to my minivan, put it in the trunk (the way way back), and hooked one on those seat arms. (In a car, I hasten to add, that had gotten cleaned--well, cleaned out, vacuumed and wiped; carpet cleaning is for the next round--for the school year, that was not a disaster!)

And you know what? It makes a difference. Because the trash bag is in easy reach of the driver's seat, not on the floor. It is conveniently located for the kids in the middle seat. It's even easy to reach for carpool kids in the back seat when they get out of the car--or, again, for those middle-seat kids to have trash handed up to them. Basically, it's kind of brilliant. And I've become, in short order, a fanatic about making sure all trash goes in that bag, and making sure everybody picks up trash (as well as anything else on the floor) when they get out of the car. (When it's full, it goes in with me to whatever is the next building I enter, unless it's at home in which case it goes right into the garbage can--when I get back into the car, I get another bag from the huge stash in the way way back.)

Damn, it's momentum again. The car was cleaned up, and I've found a way to keep it that way--b/c of a 10-year-old's suggestion and a bag of spontaneously-reproducing plastic shopping bags. Now that's low-hanging fruit.

Thanks, Rina.

Week 4--A New Year

Rosh Hashanah always gets the personal-change juices going.

This week's low-hanging fruit:

8. Capitalize on momentum. Momentum is like free energy from the universe, not to be squandered. If a room has, say, just been cleaned by the cleaners, don't mourn that it's going to be trashed in one evening--make a mental picture of what it looks like and put a few minutes into returning it to at least that state each night. If you're feeling unexpectedly energetic, jump up and go! Lather, rinse, repeat.

9. Be vigilant about throwing out bad things from your refrigerator, so that everything in it is potentially usable on a moment's notice, and keep a few not-spoiling-quickly no-cook edibles in your fridge (e.g. packaged guacamole--surprisingly tasty, with big chunks of avocado; goodhummus--to be jazzed up with olive oil and paprika; smoked salmon...). Plus, keep some cooked pasta around. And fresh vegetables for a salad. Because when you have, say, 5 unexpected guests for lunch, the ability to pull together a lovely meal--inspiring a 9-year-old girl to say, "You said, 'It'll just be a simple lunch'--this is simple??", which makes you melt--will make you feel very on top of things.

Oh, and keeping a frozen vegan treat around for when other guests with egg allergies stop by? Another good host moment.

Having a well-stocked kitchen can make all the difference. Yay us.