Transphobia, Clothes, Gender, Media, and the Rest of It

A friend asked a question on my wall on FB, and I confess, I was pretty enamored of my answer. So much so that I am reposting it here, with some edits and a lot of additions. What can I say--not humble in this case, but very committed! Your comments extremely invited.

Josh asked: "OK, I admit it. I can be dense sometimes. But I have friends who are less so. Can you explain to me how this ad was offensive to the transgendered? I mean, its clearly a parody of the T-Mobile ad, and its a picture of a guy in a dress, not a picture of a woman who used to be a man or vice versa. I just don't get it. Help?"

He's referring to this link:

http://mobilized.allthingsd.com/20110510/sprint-funded-ad-pulled-after-complaints-from-transgender-community/?mod=ATD_rss

My edited and added-to reply:

OK, so let me take a brief crack at this...I think it's important to recognize that "transgender" is not just the new word for "transsexual"--i.e. I used to be a man, now I'm a woman, or vice versa. The category of people who identify as "transgender" (or "trans" for short), includes people who now present with a different gender identity than that assigned at birth (whether they have had surgery and/or take hormones or not), as well as people who identify as somewhere on the gender spectrum besides the binary choices of male and female, and off that spectrum entirely--some of whom identify with the label "genderqueer".

In short, the category of people who identify as "transgender" stand collectively as a testament to the idea that there is not an inevitable linkage (only a cultural one, and often an oppressive one at that) between one's biological characteristics (outer or inner) and all the things we think of as going along with boy and girl, man and woman. What that means in this context is that riffing off the idea of "how funny is it for a man to be wearing a dress!" reflects a worldview in which it is laughable and mockable for people to dress how they want to dress and not the way that the societal gender police think they should dress. This is an attitude that has gotten people beaten and killed (the Stonewall Riots emerged in a context in which it was illegal in NYC for a person to go out in public wearing less than 3 obvious garments associated with their biological sex. Seriously.) and so transgender people and their allies are understandably sensitive about it.

No, I don't think this is the most egregous examples of transphobia in the world, but one of my core standard check thought questions is: Your own child is trans. You want them to feel safe in the world. Does this make it harder for them to feel that way? I think the answer is pretty clear. In fact, I'll go a step further: It doesn't make me feel safe for my kids who I have no reason to think are trans, to have them grow up in a world where people think it is just so ha-ha funny for a man to wear a dress.

There are some very real ways in which men suffer more than woman from sexism, and one is the incredible constraints on boys and men from early on in how they are supposed to act and what they can wear, which they deviate from at their peril. E, my 8-year-old daughter, can wear 95-plus% of the same clothes that her brother wears without anyone batting an eye--at most, people would think of her as sporty or a tomboy, like many girls they know. But if M, her twin brother, were to want to wear a pretty dress sometimes besides dress up? He would not only be the instant victim of homophobia and transphobia--if he did so, especially as a teenager or adult male, he could, literally, get himself killed.

It's not that I find it surprising that people would find it strange for a man to wear a dress. I get that's where a lot of people are. And I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit that it doesn't always make me comfortable. But that, frankly, and clearly, is my problem.

Ganbatte kudasai

Today I was driving behind a tow truck pulling a disabled car. I was reminded of my own recent car body trouble, and the feelings of empathy it aroused in me.

After months of trying to pull in my Toyota Sienna as far as possible to make it easier for our neighbors to get their own car out, and ramming the undercarriage of the car against and on top of an increasingly icy snowbank in the process, our minivan ended up suffering some damage--specifically, the part that protects the various mechanisms under the front-most part of the car, right behind the bumper, started hanging down and rubbing against the tires in a way that produced an (increasingly) awful noise. It's such a pain to leave my car for repairs that I was avoiding it, but finally I stopped at my wonderful local mechanic (George of Newton Centre Gulf on Beacon St.) to have him just do something in the interim, and he used this industrial grade twist-tie which I also can't remember the term for (but which I know are sold in a pack at Home Depot and I should get some, because damn, they are so useful) to attach the piece (back) the bumper. For now, it's holding just fine.

But in the weeks when I was driving around with it Like That, including the excruciating sound on and off, of course dozens of people a day would turn their head, look at my car, wince, etc. and some would helpfully try to get my attention and tell me or gesture to me that There Is Something Wrong with the Front of Your Car (yes, thank you, like you I hear the scraping sound, I am aware of it). One man pulled up next to me at a red light and started *screaming* and swearing at me that I was a safety menace driving around like that b/c it was my brakes hanging down (uh, no) and who did I think I was driving around like that endangering other people (uh, also no) and that he was calling the police right then. Lovely.

The whole experience made me wish that we had a gesture or expression in our culture that we could use when it's obvious somebody is struggling with something, or is dealing with something that attracts unwanted attention, that would convey a sense of "oy, good luck with that, sorry you're having to deal with it or having a hard time with it", rather than ignoring the person or making them feel more self-conscious than they already do. There are really just endless examples--both trivial and profound--of when this would be both relevant and kind: A person struggling to walk due to an injury or physical disability. Someone with a big stain where they spilled something and don't have alternative clothes at the ready. A person with temporary or permanent facial paralysis (hello, my fellow/sister alumni/ae of the Bell's Palsy club! Today's ironic note: its two-word name begins with the two consonants it is hardest for sufferers from Bell's Palsy to say.). A transgender person still working on their look and gender presentation. A marathon runner who is taking the last few miles verrrrrry slowly, and just hopes to finish. Someone who is in the midst of dealing with something publicly embarrassing.

Japanese culture and language has such an expression: Ganbatte kudasai. As I understand it, it means, among other things: Keep up the good work. Give it your best. Good luck. Hang in there.

I think one of the kindest things we can do for our fellow human beings, whether we say something, give them a compassionate yet not patronizing look, or not, is to hold them with a wish of ganbatte kudasai. Somehow I doubt that it was Plato who said this, although the words are widely attributed to him on magnets and websites around the world, but I just love this quote: "Be kind, for each person you meet is fighting a great battle". How wonderful it would be if we could hold each other--at least some of the time--in that light.

The Ultimate Fighting Soup

Did you ever eat something that just made you so so happy?

Well, last night The Husband and the twins took me to Minado for Mother's Day. I really love the place. (See if you've got one near you if you like sushi, or Asian food. Lots of treif for people who don't keep kosher, and enough vegetarian for those who do but "eat out".) Especially at night (when the selection is greater), yummy sushi and lots of other stuff too. M and E love the jello and soft-serve machines. The food was delish and we were all happy.

So, that's eating out happy food. At home? Prepared easily? Pull the last of my homemade chicken soup out of the fridge. Crumble up a cooked breast from making the soup. Throw in some chopped cilantro and a bit of hot sauce. Heat up on the stovetop (the microwave is making a weird noise. How do you tell if it's broken? Is it worth having an above-stove microwave repaired or do you just replace it?). Throw in a bunch of tortilla chips. Add salt to taste, but keep it around in case you need more.

Heaven, people. Heaven.

One of the things I'm trying to work on is having food around that I love, that's easy to prepare or grab. It's tricky shopping and cooking for this family (and let's be clear, The Husband does a lot of cooking, though less than he used to, and weekdays, dinner is pretty much thrown together, not like my friends with their menu planning and what-not who intimidate the hell out of me with what I know is a basic level of organization for some people)--The Husband is either the world's most flexible picky eater or the pickiest omnivore ever (he loves food, lots of different types of food, but also has many individual ingredients he doesn't like, and since he's the only adult-type eater in the household at the moment, there is no point making anything with avocados, mushrooms, olives, for starters) and also tends towards 50s-style recipes himself; A is a vegetarian and otherwise eats a narrow range of foods; E eats a bit more than her, and M is more adventurous, but it's usually for individual things, not as often for soups and casseroles and stews, etc.

So, shopping and cooking is complicated. What will everyone eat? Grilled cheese in various forms. And pasta.

This year, I did my best to shepherd the Emptying of the Shelves and the Reduction of the Larder before Passover. As we restock, I want to concentrate on having things we need and will use, not random things that theoretically look good (because that's how I ended up with a bazillion bottles of marinade). And especially on having things around that I enjoy, that are healthy, and delicious. Things I can snack on, and ingredients that make me happy.

Number 1: cilantro. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

(But since cilantro isn't exactly a grab-it snack, also clementines to keep chilled, good smelly cheeses, linguine, and red delicious apples.)

What are your "must haves"?

Reviving the Blog: 100 Days

So. This blog was called 100 Weeks--for the length of time between starting it and my 50th birthday. I didn't keep it up, and then I abandoned it.

And now, it's 100 days. Or, 100 Days.

I'm going to try to post every day. (There. I put it out there.) I don't know if it's going to work or not. I'm in the midst of a job search, which doesn't seem like the best time to start getting all personal in public again. But who's to say that Hillel wasn't in the middle of a job search when he said, "If not now, when?"